My truth is your truth...

A realisation of a truth that cuts deep A realisation of a truth that cuts deep, leaving me with waves of please forgive me
and I am sorry.
A realisation of a truth that puts me out of my comfort illusion of its okay , leaving me with waves of I hope you see I know the truth .
my truths is really not my own but your truth too
I have wished , hoped to twist and change the notion. but my feet have not carried me far enough for me not to see the truth in the blurred vision behind me.
my truth is your truth
my journey is not my own but your teacher
my pain is not for me but for your strength
my fear is not mine to conquer but yours to bridge through
my joy is not my own but a rainbow of hope for you
A realisation that my life is not my own but is yours
my life
a teacher
a comforter
an inspiration
the truth that cuts deep is that we all have this truth our life is not our own but belongs to everyone to be touched , changed ,loved and saved by you.
hence live , breathe, smile and be free, be you and you will leave a story that will impact a generation needing to find truth in your story in them.

#kiki

Love

Words from my 12 year old self.

LOVE

1 Word, 4 Letters, 2 Syllables, 1 Meaning

It’s not always romantic
It doesn’t ultimately make the world go round
It doesn’t necessarily last forever
But it still controls every aspect of our lives.
Even as a child we strive for attention
Yearn for someone to somehow tell you how much you mean to them
We grow up hoping someday someone is going to see past our mistakes
Past our lies and past the pain

We keeping running and running hoping to one day stumble upon our own version of a fairy-tale
But is love truly a fairy-tale or is it the simple need of being wanted
The feeling of wanting to belong
We’ve made seem impossible to ever attain
When love is all around us
Our family, our friends
That one teacher who made a difference in our lives
That stranger who was there when you cried
Who made it all seem better for just one second

And then there’s that fairy-tale kind of love
You know the one that makes your heart stop beating
Where your entire world becomes interlinked with that one person, and life itself seems to be centered around them.
But this kind of love is not completely a fairy-tale, it’s short of being perfect, and is devoid of a future only focused on today.
They say love is blind, but love is all-seeing, just n0t completely believing
It forces you to open up without any hope of letting go

We chase it for so long, we forget about what to do when we finally find it
We soon find out that even when it seems to be within our grasp, it still seems far away
That even when you’ve completely given your heart, it’s not a guarantee of forever
That every step we rake does not necessarily get any easier
And every moment in itself isn’t perfect.
Love takes each moment and turns It into eternity
It takes each tear and turns it into a smile

But it also presents life in a way that you have never viewed it
Leaves you wanting to run even when you think you’ve finally caught it
Love is that emotion that can completely consume you and yet leave you still wanting
Gives you understanding yet your left feeling confused
Love is what I feel for the world, for people, for friends, for family
Love is that one feeling that keeps me holding on even when I feel like I can’t take just one more breath

Love is what we are chasing
Love is what we’ve found
Love is what we don’t understand
But we can’t run away from
Love to me is simply you.

Deserted

Have you ever woken up to the light tapping of water against the porcelain sink and be sure you must be dreaming, for reality can never be that mink. Stood in a line for hours, for the right to hold what you've earned only to be told that’s not what we’ve learned. Have you ever felt, destitute, lost in a city full of millions? With the loud scream of a new born, loud horns blaring, but your heart lost in silence.

The therapist said whenever I got bad again then I should write how I feel. Though I don’t know how it helps when all I can think about is how perfect it would all feel to lie at the bottom of a ditch. How i dream of blood, my blood, my tainted mess no longer tempted to live no more. I am in a desert a spiritual desert, dying a thousand deaths with each single word I sprout.

She also said I should tell someone, ask for help but then how am I to ask when they call it 'a mind fuck.' Somehow convinced that this tangled mess inside of me only exists as a cry for attention. Somehow convinced that this tangled mess inside of me isn’t as real as my tear stained face as i type out this letter.

In all honesty I crave not the attention as much as I crave the promise of silence. The promise that this mess will one day seize to exist, that all that will remain is a disheveled body and no longer will i be forced to feel like a damaged outcast. Cast away by my lack of ability to be normal.

They say I feel too much but they seem to ignore how badly i crave to silence these emotions. Show me the button and I will be the first to shut down all the piercing pain that cripples my ability to be. To be or not to be? I am but a tainted mess of my own making, a painful reminder that I will never live in perfect silence. That the love I so heavily crave may not exist as far as the cry for world peace may never be answered.

How great would that be? If our prayers were to be answered. If we weren’t surrounded by this decaying waste of a body, chilled and lost within this decaying waste of a mind. In all honesty I may just be crazy, I may be surrounded by nothingness and festering into an unexplainable half cast version of myself. In all honesty I can’t tell what thoughts are real and what are not, for all the voices in my head tread to fast and I cannot seem to keep up. All I can tell is that the pain I feel is as real as the unwanted air circling my body, keeping me alive to die another death within my long lost unwanted soul.

All I can tell is my wish remains the same, to one day feel the unconditional, irresistible, inhibited love of another. All I can tell is I neither wish nor want to fight the long battle of sinners and frogs in order to uncover a prince. All i can see is the blood, so will you please pass me the blade.

Shame

What does it mean to be black?

To be so overridden with hate of self?

The state, the pain, the lack of self.

Is it just another way to be enslaved?

See Africans we fake at pride

We laugh at slogans like black lives matter

Think we are so morally above the shame

Yet we chase the fame, that paved this game?

Our generation we are not the same.

Pure voices conquered by the bleachers and the fakers

Singing black is beautiful

Then hunnie why do you indulge the paint?

See there is beauty in our flaws

The tainted messes, the hearts, the racists

The sadist, the teacher, all sun kissed creases

But there is no pride in our silence.

We are no heroes when we are afraid.

With bullet holes bought from social media

And social fame bought with our soul freedom.

Call it vanity, but we are a black out masterpiece

Me, my beauty is skin deep

But i am not more than my skin

I am my skin; i am the jewel of Africa

The symbol of pride, love, of freedom

The roar of Simba, modeled by the heavens and I shine.

So why do the words on this paper, question the draft of my own sanity.

Why do we accept the version we're sold with no thoughts and no clarity.

We ignore the gravity of this war

We ignore the gravity of our silence.

For with blood we fought for freedom

But with shame we've lost our mental right to be free.

True Love Waits

It’s been two days since the last time we talked, two days since i decided well, what the heck maybe it is time, time to for me to live my life again. And i know it’s a crazy notion to believe that this simple thing could be the hardest decision that I’ve had to make twice.

See the last time, i decided to live, life handed me you and now I’m ready to give back life to the world. From the very first day I met you, I didn’t want to be with you and I’m not being subtle or selling an understatement I genuinely never wanted to be with you because you were always aloof, standing outside the world looking in and judging and me I was always immersed in the world, I loved to love and see and feel and all that was never enough for me because I never knew love and I could never picture it.

You asked me often why I dated him and to be honest when he asked I figured why not. I had nothing at all to lose, and I didn’t, cause i could run away from home, risk not eating, steal, cheat, lie and never ever once care because I was always chasing that feeling that something was truly worth caring for.

And here is the irony in all this and why I'm starting to write this now because two days ago I was sitting on the cold porcelain in the bathroom playing a racing game to pass the time, praying and waiting to find out whether I was carrying your baby or not. And i looked at your contact and I wanted to type a thousand times, wanted to call, to hear your voice but the thing is I remembered you weren’t mine anymore and you hadn't been for the longest time and that hurt but for some reason it also didn’t matter to me I’m that moment because in a few seconds I knew everything was going to change either we were going to have to grow up and become parents or I was about to grow up and become me.

The truth is, knowing that baby was yours brought me so much peace because if i was carrying someone’s baby and god the idea of being a mother scares me more than anything. I knew in my heart that I would always want it to be yours and later that day when your friend stood in front of me speaking, shattering my world into a thousand pieces, i lost my ability to breathe again.

Did you or didn’t you cheat?

I guess i will never honestly know because the reason i was asking wasn’t because i wanted to fight or because i wanted to blame you but because i wanted to understand. For that whole day I was lying in my bed calling your number over and over even though I knew I’d get the same result, I was forgiving you with every single second. Not because i hoped we could stay together, i can’t do it not right now, i honestly need some space and time to heal but because i remembered once when you told me "I know you say, you would forgive me when I cheat and I honestly don't think you would."

And i remembered holding your hand as I whispered, "honestly, I don’t know."

And it was in that moment when I understood, when you answered the phone and you were angry. You expected me to shout, i could hear the way you were poised for a fight but i was tired, I had, had my world erupt in so many different ways for the past few months that i just couldn’t do it anymore i couldn’t fight and finally for the first time religion began to make sense to me.

See when he punched me, some people guys mostly told me to forgive him, said that people made mistakes and I knew my best friend had done that forgiven a guy who raised his hand to her face forgiven him as he knelt on the ground crying, begging for forgiveness and at the time i didn’t understand, why would you forgive someone like that, I’m a feminist and i could never have respected myself if i forgave him but honestly it wasn’t just that he hit me.

It’s that i didn’t love him, not in the real way, not even near, hell i was hungry for attention and he was a master at providing it, making you feel like he needed you, like he was giving up a lot to be with you, when in fact you're the one who kept giving.
But see my friend she loved her boyfriend, sometimes even more than life itself and I always judged his wrongs more strongly than anyone else because i wanted the best for her, the perfect nonexistent guy but she was happy with his imperfections, she loved him in the bad and the good and even during the days that she lay there crying tears for him.

And that’s the pain I felt the past few months, knowing at some point I had to let go, that my love would never be enough to fill the hole in your heart where love for yourself was meant to be, because despite how hard the world was on you, you were hardest on yourself. And that’s why when you wanted a fighting match all I could say truly say was I forgave you because I did and its stupid and its crazy but in the past few days I’ve realized it wasn’t hard for me to choose to live anymore but it was hard for me to choose to live without you.

See the only way i know to explain this is through God. I’ve never been able to forgive everyone else completely because I never could love anyone else completely. Love the real them, so I was constantly chasing perfection in them, perfection that doesn’t exist but with you, i loved you even when i was mad or angry or sad or happy. And even now that’s the one thing i know that’s true so that night I wasn’t thinking he cheated, i mean i was but i was also thinking of how i didn’t want to hurt you and i didn’t want you to live with that guilt.

And that’s when this Jesus thing started to make sense to me, now don’t get me wrong this isn’t a preaching or some teaching I’m trying to get you to buy into because I’m far from ever calling myself Christian but he was the true example of love. This society we've forgotten what it looks like to love, one another so we look for perfect dates and romance or riches but Jesus see he died because God could forgive, forgive you a thousand times because you are human, and I’m human and that's the only universal truth we've ever truly had.

We will never be perfect and love is all about imperfection. So the reason I started falling for you was because you were the only person who ever fought to have me call you my friend.
I was giving one my life is lonely rants and you literally looked me in the eyes and said, "I'll be very offended if you don't consider me a friend, especially when I consider you my best friend."

And i laughed, i always laugh when I’m around you, see before that moment i didn’t think we were best friends but from that moment i held on to it and even now although i don’t think we are able going to talk for a while, you are my best friend and you are a part of me that I’m not trying to lose and this story begins were our ends because 'everybody's had this happen one time or another when you need someone to set your set heart free.' And you set me free, and now I can find myself, I found who i was with you but we also got so mushed up in there, i think we were beginning to lose who were without each other and so here is my hope and prayer that when you're done finding you and I'm done finding me then maybe we will be able to find each other again.

True love waits...